A Light Has Dawned

  I can’t believe how much time has passed since I last wrote here. It is a New Year, 2015! I am still serving in Malawi, Africa and pursuing His call to reach out to a world in need…but today I had the thought, “Am I really?” If you were to ask me about my time in Malawi and my ministry here, my automatic reply would be about the amazing grace and wonderful miracles God has shown me. Sounds great on paper. In April of last year, I came face to face with death and God in His infinite wisdom and grace, for reasons I will never comprehend, saved me. In an unusual way, however, I feel I have been living in the shadow of death. Even though God has rescued me from death, broken my heart for a dying world,  sparked my adventurous spirit, and brought me through extreme adversity here in Malawi, my “almost death” still ignites fear in my heart.

What am I doing with my miraculous recovery and all that I am experiencing? Am I just content to quietly observe God at work? Honestly, yes I have been. I have become comfortable with sitting back and letting others pursue the mission, while I just take part from the sidelines. I think after being the center of a whirlwind of tragedy and part of miraculous healing and journey of prayer that brought so many together, I am almost lost on what comes next. How do I use what God has done in my life to bring others to Him? It’s almost like I am in a darkness that has blurred my vision. Quite literally, my vision is still blurred in parts, but more importantly, spiritually darkened. Yes, I am involved in what God is doing, and serving Him here. But in my heart, I am still confused. Who am I that He is mindful of me?



I think, I am partially doing what God is asking, but I am no longer totally surrendered and trusting Him. I am content to slip into a comfortable normal existence. Where is the fire that brought me to Africa in the first place? Where is that heart cry in my soul that longed solely for Him? My light is dim, still shining, but dimmed amidst the desire for security and steadiness that has bound me.

The scary part is that I’ve just let it take hold of me. I haven’t questioned why my fire is waning and my faith is shaking. I haven’t fought against this crippling fear of the unknown, the fear of death, the fear of what’s next. Instead of giving it to God, I have decided to live in a way that is safe- a safe and comfortable life. The thought of living in a village in some remote country no longer brings a light to my eyes. I used to feel a leap at the thought at adventuring into the unknown, now I feel a hesitancy and fear. I am sickened with what I have become. How have I let tragedy and adversity cripple my faith and dictate my walk with Christ?

I have just come to realize that this is not at all what I ever would have wanted or imagined to happen. I want to overcome and push past this fear. I want to live a life sold out to Christ- a life where I find joy in trials, and stand strong in the face of misfortune. Rather than focusing on what I can’t do, why don’t I focus on what God has given me to do? Instead of looking at what God hasn’t done yet, why don’t I focus on what he has done? I want to bring glory to His name through all of my actions and speech. I want to be more focused on who He is than who I am. Most importantly, I don’t want to hide the light of God’s amazing power in my life. I want a fire to be set down in my soul, one I can’t contain and I can’t control. I want more of God, I want more of Him. No longer do I want fear to hold me back…the light has dawned.
  “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light on those living in the land of the shadow of death A LIGHT HAS DAWNED…” Isaiah 9

 “You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light sine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”

Matthew 5:14